Anusha

Anusha.
An enigma.
A bird.
A riddle.
A heaven.
An intoxicant.
An aphrodisiac.
A bliss.
A dolphin.
A smile.
A source.
A book.
A delight.
A happiness.
An ecstasy.
A taste.
A support.
A stranger.
A rarity.
A specialty.
A dumbass.
A French.
A bitch.
A teaser.
A critic.
A mystic.
An angel.
A devil.
A writer.
A linguist.
A paranoid.
A hypertensioned.
An excited.
A dreamer.
A motivator.
A inspiration.
A dexterous.
A kisser.
A sentimentalist.
A romantic.
A prosaic.
A sexy.
An idealistic.
A microbiologist.
A urine-sampler.
An adorable.
A song.
A poetry.
A rhyme.
A chaos.
An amorous.
A lonely.
A realist.
An ordinary.
A Libran.
A sensibility.
An unassuming.
A blabberer.
An abnormal.
A nutcase.
A Christmas tree.
A waterfall.
A supporter.
An optimist.
A merry.
A company.
A bookworm.
An atheist.
A rock-fan.
A dictionary.
An enthusiast.
A feeling.
A passion.
A fondness.
A tender.
A friend.
A lover.

MY LOVE.

Obsession and Possession

More than an hour without touching,
Are like years on an island surrounded by water everywhere.
The whirlwind of connection and disturbance,
Are the window of the world we live in.


She strangely disagrees about intimacy,
And moves miles apart when I ask her too.
I am assuming so many different things,
That my brain just bursts out without much clue.


The speed of our car is a million miles above normal,
But our carriage is slow and light.
It’s the only way to fill the space,
So lets kiss, suck, hold and bite.


Despise me as much as you want,
And leave me whenever you want.
Worthiness has values subjugated with an anomaly,
Love is worthless and worse…its blunt.


The terrace floors above you has my markings,
And it will leave a certain stain.
The dogs of lust will cover us,
And the talk and the walk will disappear in a cry of pain.


Strange sense of humor addresses my inside,
It tells me to release its best.
As an addict of pure geniuses,
I want to fulfill her, cry must she lest.


I love her and I will love her like she wants,
Wont stop myself from falling in.
My god, poetry tells a story,
In simplicity, this is not a sex talk, its stealing.


Now this has gone beyond a cloud,
And its deepened far below the hell or the marinas below.
I have still not understood what I have to do,
Maybe do noting, or maybe in darkness I have to glow.


I am obsessed with this thing,
And trying hard to forge it with lies and believes.
I have become possessive with her every move,
Obsession and possession has finally grown out into my leaves.

I am happy..yes, Im...


With the days ticking away like an unseen time-bomb,
The days flying away like birds on the last day of migration,
The minutes of the days showing that its passing and fading away,
The finale of the day is here, and I am not really happy.


Distant is the only word I find for people I love,
The Christmas of happiness has deluded far beyond,
A simple state of arrogance has filled into every heart,
Maybe its me, but am I color blind or just plain ignorant.


Now I stand without a spine as strong as it used to,
Pray everyday that I find a leisure in living,
An ego as hard and as haughty as a bull,
The failures have descended and slowly walked by.


Touch of love and heart-break has made me a lot older,
The comforts of friendly hearts have made feel lighter,
The confidence to rise upto my folks expectations,
I have had my share of smoke and my share of being a bit higher.


Assuming that life will no longer be different,
It makes me make designs of my own life as it wants,
Cruelly and without even considering the repercussions,
Consciously I despise my dreams, unconsciously I am happy.


Whatever I have learnt and whatever I can learn,
I have forgotten it with the puff of a cigarette,
Care of remembering any of the nonsense,
Has left me brightening up.

did i just write this in 10 mins and in the middle of the day????

Why is that nearly all blogs in the universe are about random thoughts and expression merely on depression and sadness and remorse. God, people in the world are depressed. Hell, I used to think that the whole blogging scenario are meant to communicate the different ways of improved living. That was the main reason why I joined it and giving my inputs. At the start, it was only for the mere pleasure of vanity but…..now, it has become a huge part of my life. Earlier, I used to wait for 4 in the morning, when the whole 4 A.M. miracle used to hit me hard. Now, I can write absolutely anytime I want. And about anything I want. Like, right now, I am blaming the blog communities worldwide that people out there are more depressed than I am. Guess, everyone is suffering. As the famous REM song goes: “everybody hurts, everybody cries”.

The thing I don’t understand and would probably never be able to understand is that happiness is so easy to find when you are depressed or remotely sad. Then why don’t people write then. I try hard to write something funny, something cheerful, something red and not blue…..but, I cant. Maybe, it’s the vanity thing again….but, no, I am pretty sure its not that rite now. I am genuinely sad. Well, I just came from my trip to the cigarette shop, so I am pretty sure I am not sad. Its something else which I can’t put my fingers on. Ah….this sucks.

I have friends to cheer me. I have parents to care for me. I have done pretty well in my academic life to not worry about. I have listened to the innumerable songs which I always wanted to. I have seen more movies than Kubrick himself. I have sung every song I wanted to. I have shagged enough and have had my share of sex. Then, what the hell is wrong with me. God, I can complain. And its not that great a feeling. Let me tell you that.

By now, the irony of the essay is profound. Look at it. First of all, I complain about the complains of all bloggers in the world, then I end with complains of my own. Maybe, and this is one hell of a hypothesis, writing is just too personal and when you sit to write, the only thing that you can write about is the suffering you go through. The idea of writing itself is about suffering. I remember, once I was going through the epilogue of a Stephen King book (I think it was dreamcatcher). He had written that he suffered a lot while writing this book, and his sufferings were inadvertently passed on into the character and the storyline. Well, guess that’s what happens with me and the millions of bloggers. Maybe, when we sit to write, we suffer and remember all the suffering and write about them. Ha…..I have become good in understanding people. (:P). Maturity is not a curse then. Hmmmm…..need to think about it and write about it.

[P.S. the last few lines were on a happy note….cos I got a call from someone special and it made me forget a lot of pain…and it helped me write something joyful and merry. The person I am truly in lve with…..]

Enjoy and Rock on…..Abheet.


Btw, was listening to the soundtrack of "Garden State" while writing this piece. Awesome songs. go listen to them and defintely see the movie. Zach Braff and Natalie Portman. My fav romantic movie till date.

someone once told me:"ur the visual kinds"

well, i pained ladoo to make this collage in picasa. it didnt come out exactly the way i wanted, but it has everything i want say thro' pictures. thr is metallica, cobain, eric foreman( thr is a feelin in me that i will turn out to be like him one day), maggie gyllenhall, gerrard, a pic of the movie garden state, the hope pic of shawshank redemption, the mind-twisting scene from a clockwork orange, monalisa with a lead guitar, my cell phone-the w550i, smokin and cigarettes, a lot of booze, interpol, bob dylan......etc etc. well, hope it says enuf.



The Adieu

The goodbye. Officially.

Oh, man, this sucks. I just got myself crying and smiling all over again at the prospect of leaving my college, my village, my place, my freedom, my hostel, my friends, my ideas, my dreams, my life, my room, my computer, my show, my happiness, my sadness, my fucking everything.

This is going to be one hell of a year. Uncertain in so many ways. Not just from the point of leaving college and going, but from the perspective of the new life which I am going to lead and follow. The whole concept, of beginning a new life scares the shit out my bollocks. Where will I find strength I find in the people around me. The joy when I am with them and also when I am not with them. The cunning embarrassing show downs everyday. The running around girls for the pleasure of being a young kid just fresh out of adolescence. The late than later studying for the worse exams. The drinking and the smoking and the pepsis and the teas. Millions of calls to the one you love dearly each time. Well, guess its going to be Adieu to all of those small petty but unforgettable and cherished things I had in the 4 years of my college. My college….the famous Indian Institute of Technology, Madras. Famous, nahhhhh…..its not that good. But, suited me. And that is what made me cry tonight.

There is going to be more tears and more crying by the time we finish out of here. But right now, I will contemplate to have more and more fun and a lot of happiness. Bliss, they say, goes to the one who doesn’t regret about what they did or they are gonna do. Well, I think I have found that bliss. Insurmountably. Abundantly. Unassumingly.

Right now, after Adieu ’07, my legs hurt after the 2 hours of dancing. My neck hurts from the unimaginable head-banging. My throat’s choked with the shouting and the cursing. My specks broken because of my silliness. My new t-shirt and my pants dirty from the rolling around. I smell worse than the fish market. My shirt’s wet with the sweat of my childishness. My eyes teary with the tears I don’t know how to show. And, my dick’s heavy with what I saw and touched today……..

26th March….. I may never forget. But still 2 months to the end. The end, my friend, my end…….



26th March, 2007. 00:55 A.M.

no need of a title.

This is the end, my end, my friend. The age of happiness is going away fast. Boredom’s creeping in, and I’m still waiting. Underneath the surface of love and compassion, I am finding depression and ache and tears. Wake me up when the September ends, I would like to cry…..but we are in March and there is a lot of time. Exactly 6 months and 3 days to the finale’. The departure to my own self. The hated side of my existence. The forced contemplations of heart ache all over again. Inconspicuous as it might look to people who know me, but yes, there is going to be some tears when the September ends. The sand, which you love so much, is going to be a distant memory. Our foolish, stupid, naughty talks are gonna be a reminiscence. A nostalgia of phone calls, long talks, kissing, loving, excuses, teasing are probably going to be the ones that will be left. I am not gonna cry, I will not shed a tear. Nope. “I am boy, I am boy. But my ma doesn’t agree it”- those are special words by the Who. And I believe them. Well, I hate this. Whenever I sit to write, I feel a special need to be sad…..to be miserable…..to be cheerless. Maybe, reading all the other blogs in the universe sends a message unconsciously to my head….that I should be like them…be Depressed and Sad. Well, will try to write something hell cheerful the next time. Try writing like the Rolling Stones. Or like Deep Purple.

Enjoy, and Rock On.

25th March, 2007. 3.55 A.M.

March 24th, 2007....5.30 in the morning.....My observatory of youth

My most experimental and long and passionate writing about my 3rd wing. The wing that had everything hidden and made me a man and weakling. My friends for the short life i will lead. This is to you, loves......go on and mock me.

Count me in,
Lose the dream,
Play the game,
Lets go sing.


Lets go swimming,
Lets go fishing,
Lets go running,
Lets go balling.


Build a house,
Burn a mouse,
Run around,
Till the clouds.


Kill the boredom,
Smoke up and die,
Drink till we cry,
Or till we are high.


Exuberate,
Elevate,
Manipulate,
Pulsate.


Say nothing,
To say everything,
Move around,
To go nowhere.


Drink tea,
Eat little,
Wake late,
Feel cripple.


Shout,
Support,
Curse,
Rejoice.


Lets go fucking,
At least talk about it,
Try our luck,
No doubt about it.

Talk as if we are brothers,
Walk as if we are brothers,
Share as if we are brothers,
Love as if we are enemies.


Lie for no reason,
Play games for fun,
Cheat for nothing,
Steal till the sun.


Act stupid,
Act serious,
Act innocent,
Act Kurt Cobain.


Listen to rock,
Listen to classics,
Listen to metal,
Listen to indi-pop.


Choose pink t-shirts,
And green jeans,
No underwear,
White chappals.


Closed doors,
Porn on comp,
Hand in use,
Now stomp.


Waste water,
Not for a bath,
But for fun,
Or fulfill your wrath.


Buy the loudest music player,
Buy the cheapest condom,
Steal the closest t-shirt,
Donate the worst comp.


Cry when we leave,
Laugh still,
Keep the tears inside,
And don’t send me the bill.

Cinderella

We call the this enigma as fairy tale.
But devils are fictitious too, then why not devil tale.


Why not write fables of cunning wolves and killer dogs,
Of fabricated serial killers for kids, running around panicking about cockroaches.


About wars, blood-filled and about conjured treachery,
Satan’s works about corruption made to look merry.


Lust filled hunger of men and women,
To teach the young ones about how the world reigns.


Why not fill the bookstores about real truth,
Truth undeleted and true and not about fairies in heavens.


Pretentious episodes of massacres and assassination,
In 3rd grade classes for students to revolt.


Worm alike nature would be considered a happiness,
Heaven then would be considered as useless and hapless.


The strength then among men would rule,
Women would live as the one among all.


The mind would forget the sensations of aching,
The force of sense would miserably held disappearing.


Isn’t it a curse to live life a fairy way,
Getting and doing things for the sake of producing infants.


Instead of thinking from the aspect of reality and truth,
Shadows and make believes eat us as brutes.


Politicians lie about politics, and a common man lies to his wife,
I lie in this poetry and you lie- that you like it.


Still the ones talked most about are kings and good deeds,
Why not make harder souls out of you.


Morals and ethics are just made up words,
When they sit writing in their rooms, the goodness blurs.


Now I must shut up and stop to admire,
And accept that I love to think about Cinderella.



March 21st, 2007. 5.04 a.m.


Writing the Ending

There are so many ways of writing a story. So many ways of making one and then deleting one. But none of them have a vague ending and none of them have a special meaning towards the end. For example, “to sir, with love”……great story. But the end was not imp…..what was imp was the beginning and the middle.

Alright, why am I writing this. I m writing a story about an author. An author so into writing that he has spent classes after classes in hope of getting so bored that he can write one story that made real sense. In his recollection, he has never been able to write one. Why? Well the answer is simple, he doesn’t know how to end a story at all. He actually sucks in it. He hates to end a story. He goes on writing and writing, thinking how to end the damn story…..but all he does is makes the entire story a mini-novel and then ends abruptly. Eventually he forgets the idea of the story, or forgets where he wrote it and then thinks he is a bad writer who just needs a proper ending quotes.

Maybe, he is good. Maybe he is amazing. Just maybe, he is so talented. But the hint of genius comes only in his mind, when he dreams, the words flow from his interior but never flows when he writes those thoughts down. He feels as if, he is forgetting what all to write. He feels that what he is writing is absolutely worthless and absolutely useless. And to tell u people the truth, he is right. His writing are absolutely bizarre and absolutely senseless and has no meaning. But one thing I like about our friend, the author, is that he is never tired from the dissolution of failure. He has seen many failures in his life and this is just another one.

He writes on various topics. Politics, politicians, leaders, losers, Korea, America, Japan, Russia, democrats, republicans, congress, parliament, monuments, pornography, Japanese heroes, loudspeakers, rickshaw walla’s, trains, buses, cars, raincoats, terrorists, peacemakers, girls, boys, intercourse, Pamela Anderson, Marilyn Monroe, nouns, proverbs, punctuations, questions, answers, computers, hypnosis, matrix, neo, trinity, love, hate, gays, lesbos, alter-egos, sadness, happiness, arrogance, movies, pink floyd, nirvana,Courtneylove………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Now he is writing the story that will change everything. He is going to write the one and only of his stories where he has an ending without a hitch. And I am narrating the story which he is going to write. First of all, let us name this person. We might not need it, but our friend would obviously like a name. I want to call him Denver. I don’t know why.

Denver is sitting is a easy couch chair, leaning all back and waiting for thoughts to come to him. Generally, he is writing the first things that are coming in his mind. He is typing as fast as possible so that he doesn’t forget what he just thought. He is making a lot of mistakes. In Microsoft word, the lines in red are appearing in almost all the words. Sometimes he looks up to find the number of mistakes and this breaks his concentration and he gets slightly pissed with this. But he is keeping the calm he rarely has. He is shaking his left leg which is resting on his right leg. He simply looks up and finds that a certain content is flowing in him. But something is running in his mind that something is not really right. Somewhere, something has to give. He is thinking, I need a smoke. But he doesn’t want to take the risk of waiting again and writing the same story, so he keeps on typing and typing and typing and typing………

Denver thinks again and then reminds himself. He should smoke a little less. “This is nuisance”. He thinks. Someone in his neighborhood …his neighbor is playing a song he hates or dislikes. It irritates him a bit but, he thinks that was obvious. He looks to his right for the first time after nearly half an hour of writing. He looks up and the mistakes are flowing like rivers of red. Now his typing is as fast as possible. He thinks “At this rate, I will probably win a speed typing competition”. Shit!

Denver. Some say, the end of a story is most imp. He feels that the end makes the story and hence it is the most imp part. If the end is not right then the whole story sucks. For example, the godfather. If suppose in the end Marlon Brando wouldn’t have died and if Michael Corleone would not have become the godfather would the movie had done well………well it might have. But fuck those who think it would have been done in another way.

Denver and examples are a same pair. Without a solid example, he thinks that the derivation of a problem is unnecessary and shady. He is true sometimes. But what can u give example of a n-dimensional space. There is nothing in the world like that, but still there is something like that. But our friend thinks it is not……..he does not have an example and hence “fuck the n-dimensional theory”

Denver now has the end. It is like the scene from the movie “The Matrix Revolutions”. Where Agent Smith after fighting Neo, knows at that particular time he has to say something. He was supposed to say……everything that has a beginning has an end. In our case, he would not like to go so deep.


Denver has finished the story and thinks of the title………..he think….and thinks. Trying to give it a rock-alike title. Something to make him a part of Metallica or Nirvana…….so he gives the name……he gives “WRITING THE ENDING”.

The band that cruelly ran on my comp during the
time i wrote "writing the ending"...

INTERPOL.

cos tonight's the night, the world begins again....

Night time has its own words to say,
But you cant hear it till its time to play.
My playtime begins at the end of 4 am,
When the first birds rejoice the sun rays.


The silence of the world I know is eerie,
The peace and quiet is so unseen.
The notion of them being asleep is strange,
The dirt they are now seem so clean.

I begin to wonder where I am,
And comprehend other places.
Like the world of rocks and visuals,
Of sentimental dialogues and love mazes.


Maybe I am insane to waste the whole morning,
Or I am the only sane one left.
But its important I know,
Cos there is hardly anything that I can accept.


What is the question of staying awake?
When the only thing will be to talk.
I just might stay awake and write,
For I have so much to say for you to mock.


I am negative like the iota on a plane,
This is my place to prove them wrong.
I hint of positive writing on the white background,
To tell my story, of a weakling who is strong.


Experimental ways have always been for vanity,
With an ending I cant decipher.
Its meaning I cant understand,
Two things help me: music and a bartender.


People have loved me and have hated me
Cant lie about not being loved for a day.
Cant lie about being depressed for a day,
I wanted to stay either black or white, but never gray.


So take these words and sing out loud,
Cos everyone is forgiven now,
Cos tonight’s the night,
The world begins again.

4 bottles of whisky and a coke bottle.....

Four friends having the fun of their lives,
Like they never may have.
Its definitely their last one before leaving,
Filling the rain of time and saving.


Run the race of sleeping and waking up,
It’s a long way back.
Its now time to bring forth the big guns,
Of boozing and effortless love hack.


It is said that drinking is the best solution,
And I wouldn’t go against it.
But is it the best way of telling the truth?
When your whole life hangs about it.


Curse the one who made my drinks,
And praise him for being subtle.
It’s a shade out of order and array,
4 bottles of whiskey and a coke bottle.


Yawning away the time of my life,
Its fun to be awake and still alive.
Hard and hazy it is too be conscious,
When all I can do is just jive.


The songs playing in my head are too close to my head,
And too far away as well.
They say words which I may never grasp,
Just sing along, cos it makes me swell.


Now a man is on the moon,
That means he is high.
He feels he is Elvis or Cobain,
They went places but I found a place to cry.


Forgiveness is what I asked,
Dropped my guns and threw away my muzzle.
On the verge of vulnerability I took,
4 bottles of whiskey and a coke bottle.





dont pay too much attention

Its march 11th…..

The day when everything in this world seem meaningless. When everything in this world seem wasted. When everything in this world seems like a movie. When everything in this world seems like a book. When everything in this world seems like a song that buzzes every moment of your life. And that day happens to be now. when I’m drunk to the happy state of existence.

Its been a while since I have written serious matter on the things going around my life. Ha, my life. I cant believe that I have become a sort of a playboy. Its so weird for me to even think of it. Shady and so unlike me. But, hell………ladoo is right I guess. He told me a couple of days back that I was a bit too sentimental and the reason I keep getting dumped is my sentimentalism. But, shit…..is that true…..no wait….fuck….

Questions which I cant answer has been asked to me. Its my stupid heart that made me ask these. Like, what is the future? Or, the worse, where do you see yourself after 10 years? My brain….small one compared to yours said……said, attraction is the main thing. But I am just too complex too answer them. But I ask myself, when I became so complex. When did I start thinking about the other sex? But with maturity, came another dilemma, its called love. And I am in deep like the hell below. And high like the bittersweet stars above. And I hate it. I detest it. I loathe it too. But, I cant help it. My best friend is ladoo…….and he is in one of those love based purely on physical pleasure. Well, I think I am too….till sometime. But, now I know, how I feel. And I have had enough.

Just like I started, its been a while….and as so many song will tell me….its gonna be fine…


i was listening to snow patrol's "chasing cars" and had much booze to write this....so, forgive me if i said a bit too much...but...
i have said those three words,
just too much.
i guess, thats not enough.

thought i had something more to say

i dont think why i wrote so much this week. never in my short fullfilled life, i have felt so inspirational to write more than 20 poetries. yup, 20 poetries in a week. i cant actually tell why i felt like writing, but heart's a weakling....cries without caring much about the ache. anyways, i love these 3 poetries i wrote. feel somewhat like Bob Dylan. ok, not like dylan, but atleast like Syd Barrett. check them out.....and if your are a publisher....call me....

Let the violins cry

As I brace my self for heaven,
As I wait for the day to come.
I clasp my hand for any forgiveness,
Keeping pleasures for my own.


It will be a while before I see you,
It will be a while before we walk.
U may forget all things we said.
But my memories all wont dissolve.


Shooting darts at all ambitions,
You were far ahead of me.
But one thing that will never change,
Are my propositions and humility.


And now your placing things in order,
And telling people the weird lie.
Forcing tears out of me,
When I let the violins cry.




My March

Everyday in March the late fall was blue,
Those young upright trees reaching for the sky,
like love they flourished and grew.
Above us floated the fair clear sky,
Which a cotton white cloud was walking through,
And with faith in your heart it shall never leave you.


Under that same sky we would fall,
Down rabbit’s hole and above eden’s garden,
We would run and crawl.
Only to find ourselves entangled,
Mercilessly in fits of flowing wind and shawl,
Outside I wait for cupid’s call.

Fine I feel cursed and roads are winding,
Deliberately I step into a place not meant for me,
Inching closer to submissive worsening.
Finding doors closed on the path,
I notion a pain increasing and admitting,
I stand by a fortress, loud and sacrificing.

I have said enough, and wish I could have said more,
Some things are meant to be silent,
Some try to reach out on your shore.
You know its cruel to keep mum,
Interpreting this for you is my docility,
For me its easy like a whore.



Moonlight’s Song


As the cheerless wind pass by my window,
I can see a washed out moon through the fog.
And then a voice inside my head,
Breaks the analogue.


I survived against the will of my twisted folk,
But in the deafness of my world the silence broke…and said,
"Follow me down to the valley below
You know, moonlight is bleeding from out of your soul"

My love don't you worry,
This cold world is not for you.
So rest your head upon me,
I have the strength to carry you.

"Follow me down to the valley below,
You know, moonlight is bleeding from out of your soul,
Come to me friend,
It's time for you to go".